Yes, that's how I feel right now...
I don't understand how I'm even conscious now; I'm losing myself, my senses and everything else that matters. It couldn't have gotten worse.
Did I know last week that this would happen? Of course I didn't. I trusted that she would pay heed to what I said. But she didn't. She told me she would; but she didn't.And here I am today - stuck in this incredible mess with no way out.
Just a few days ago, everything seemed to have settled down. She told me she wouldn't let it build beyond what it already was. And I was foolish enough to believe her. Foolish indeed.
I slept peacefully last night; unaware of my own loss. In fact, I was having a lovely dream too, a change that came by many weeks later. Yet, just as I woke up, I began to wish someone had shot me in my sleep itself. At least, I'd die with Gakkun on my mind.Why did it have to be the first thing that happened this morning? Why?
Now, I'm torn between my happiness and righteousness. Can I stab a friend for my selfish goals? I know I can't. And I never will. But does that mean I will always suffer?
I have always known this would happen someday and yet when it did, I feel numb and destroyed.
Love truly is painful.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Yes, that's how I feel right now...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Konban wa, Minna (or let's go Yamapi style), Konbaichi wa!
Don't go by the title. I couldn't think of anything else that was better.
Yes, it has been ages. How have you been? I've been pretty good. A lot of significant things have happened since the time I last wrote in here. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince released (so lame). I loved it! I love anything that's Harry Potter so no point asking me to review. I'd give it 5 stars, always! Speaking of princes, I'm now a Yuu Shirota die-hard fan. I love the guy! He's so hot!!! For those of you who do not know him, he's the guy from Prince of Tennis (he plays Tezuka - bad job!) and the one from Hana Kimi (Kagurazaka). For those of you who still don't know what I'm talking about, here's his pic -
Kawaii, ne? ^^
I love him not because he plays Tezuka-san (in fact, I hate him for that role!). I love him because he's so adorable! And I don't think I need to explain anything beyond this...!
And while we're on the subject of people I love, how can we not mention Kenichi-kun? Well, bad idea! The dude has lost it! I mean, Koyuki? What does he see in that hag? She's 32 for God's sake an he's just 24! And she's not even pretty!!! Well, all I can say is, he hasn't seen me yet. When he sets his eyes on me, he'll forget all the world's Koyukis (yeah, that's what you call confidence).
As for Yuu-kun, he's dating weird model Yasuda Misako. I won't comment on this at all. All I'll say is, one look at her and you'll know exactly why he's dating her... xD
Meanwhile, my mother can't stop fretting over my choice of boys. She thinks the guys I like are, to put it in simple words, girlish. I don't see how anyone can call Yuu Shirota or Kenichi-kun girlish?! But then again, my mom took a picture of Kenichi on her cell phone. So maybe, she doesn't hate him, after all.
Well, the past few weeks have been simply strange for me. My feelings were crushed by someone I loved for so many years (I won't name him but if you want to know what I'm saying, look up my old post - My First Love). I loved the guy for six whole years. And what did he give me? Nothing but sadness...and my first heartbreak. I've only broken hearts before this so this was a whole new experience. Still, I'm okay now...^^ I can't stay upset over anything for very long!
Moving over to happier topics, our fan fiction has progressed but I won't be putting up the link because it's rated stuff that's not for kids. Also, I watched Maou (drama starring Ohno Satoshi and Ikuta Toma >
Anyway, I'm tired now and ototo-chan has exams...so I need to check on his studies...So, I'll catch you around later...! Oh yeah, btw, how do you like my new layout? Too bright? Tell me what you think. Ja na!! *sobs and murmurs - Kenichi...why did you do this to me???!!!* LOL!
Posted by Youkai Princess at 7:37 PM
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Konban wa, Minna!
Never mind my lateness from now on. This will probably be a regular feature here...
So what all has happened in my life since my last post? Quite a lot. Let's begin with my birthday. I made up with my friends after a year and a half of fighting! So, we're back to being friends again! Kawaii ne? In order to celebrate this joyous occasion, I invited my oldest friend, Ginji, over for a sleepover! It was my first sleepover in 3 years...!
During the sleepover, Ginji became friends with my college friend, Niha. So that led to a new friendship! And the loneliness? Well, my mom's in the U.S. right now, far, far away from me. That's the cause of my loneliness...
Oh, good news! I got married! Kakkoii ne? To guess who? Tezuka Kunimitsu! If you believed that, you don't need me to tell you that you're a jerk...Of course, I didn't marry him really! It's just for a crossover fan fiction that Niha and I have planned. So, he's my imaginary husband (I shouldn't even have to tell you this; my real husband is Kenichi, right?LOL!). Btw, I dreamt of him last night! (When do I not dream of him?) Hope what everyone says comes true...If not for him then at least for Touya-kun!! *goes into depression*
And now, dear people, I must take your leave. It's kinda late here and I don't really feel like writing much. That's why I wrote a quick blog post today. I will post here with my usual vigor again but until then, you will have no choice but to wait. Hope to see you soon enough!
Ja na!!! ^^
P.S. Watching Ayakashi~Japanese Classic Horror at this late hour is doing me no good. I can't stop looking at the windows (just in case something or someone comes in!! KOWAIII!!!!!).
Posted by Youkai Princess at 10:04 PM
Friday, June 12, 2009
Konban wa, Minna!!
Oh please don't complain now! I'm already upset about my summer holidays coming to an end. I look forward to them so much every year but they end before I even know it. It's not like I hate the rains. Of course, I don't. I was born in June and so, it will always remain my most favorite month of the year. Still, even though my birthday is about a week from now, I'm neither excited nor am I waiting for it to approach. I just want holidays to continue forever...so I can laze around like I did for the last two months. I guess this can only come true on Planet You Wish (sorry, Meg Cabot, I'm having to borrow your brain for mine doesn't seem to be functioning too well at present!).
Moving over to better things. I've made many Nihonjin friends this week! Yay! Sugoi desu ne? Now I have so many people from Japan to talk to. It makes me feel really nice...
As for some new songs...Hmmm...I heard Mamoru Miyano's Rain (yeah, getting in the 'rain' mood helps a lot). Rain has to be just as beautiful as his Kuon. Except that I like the latter more!!
The news of the month is that my pending laser operation is over now. So now both my retinas are fixed (or so I hope!). Now all I need to wait for is meeting the smart doctor next month for one last time (I'm gonna miss him!! He was so hot...lol!). This time was better than last time, definitely. This time had a purple laser light as opposed to last time's red (yeah, like the laser light's color is all that matters...baka!).
Ok. I don't know what else to write about, so let me just take off. But before I take your leave, let me end my blog post with a doha (I'm in one of my weirdest moods today so ठाट एक्स्प्लैंस कुओतिंग Kabir).
"बुरा जो देखन मैं चला, बुरा न मिलिया कोय
जो दिल खोंजू आपना, मुझसा बुरा न होय।"
Translation: I looked around for bad qualities in people, I didn't find anyone bad.
When I looked inside my self, I realized that no one was worse than me.
P.S. The translation may not be word-to-word correct but it's my attempt at translating old Hindi. So, please don't laugh at me (not that I care if you do...).
Monday, May 18, 2009
Konban wa, Minna!!
As I sit by my window this evening watching yet another day come to an end, I can feel a knot tightening in my stomach and I'm overcome by a shroud of sadness...
I wonder how different my life would be if he hadn't left the way he did. Not very different, I'm sure. Yet, there would be some difference, no matter how minute it was. Just enough to change my life in the right ways...
I had decided never to let him know about my feelings for him for a various number of reasons. Firstly, I was afraid he didn't feel the same way about me and probably never would. I didn't want to stop seeing him altogether...No,I loved him far too much for that. Secondly, even if he did love me, we both knew it would never work. He was four years my senior and also, my friend's older brother. That was more than enough to not let it work. He thought of me as a child, maybe even like a sister, I was certain. I would be nothing more to him than his little sister's friend...
He was smart and handsome. Not only that, he was kind, loving, caring and sweet too. All in all, he was the epitome of perfection, at least to me. Each time I was at his apartment, he'd have a big, fat Physics book on his lap while he was on the rocking chair and study as he rocked back and forth. I would never be able to meet his gaze on my face as I came in through the door. This often resulted in me walking in with my eyes fixed to the floor! When I'd wait for his sister to get dressed for our daily evening walk, once or twice, I'd look up just to have one single glance of him. A few times, I was in for a surprise when I found him watching me intently and tenderly. Of course, he'd quickly look back into his book and I'd smile to myself...
My first reaction at him leaving was astonishment. I hadn't seen that coming at all. I knew he was an ambitious guy but I hadn't expected him to leave home and go far away. I guess I was just being ignorant and silly. I will leave home for my career too someday and maybe go away farther than he is from me right now. I don't even clearly remember when I last saw him properly. Yes, it was at those grounds where I'd watched him play for years. And just like always, he had a football at his feet that he kicked while I strolled on the jogging tracks, the cool evening breeze licking my face. When I last looked at him, the most difficult thing was to drag myself home. Both of us had a look that clearly said 'Goodbye...it was nice knowing you'; irrespective of what we felt about each other. All this in spite of us not being sure that really was the last time we were meeting. There were still a few days left to his departure. But we never met after that evening. It was as if we both inwardly knew that was it. Call it intuition or whatever...
I still relive all the memories I have of him, for they are the only thing I'll ever have of his. If there is more to come or not, I'm not sure. That can be told by time alone. In spite of not seeing him or hearing from him for the last four years, his memory still holds the place it did in my heart all those years ago. His voice still rings in my head, his face still looms before my eyes the second I close them, my heart still skips a beat at his thought and I'm engulfed by his memories. I cannot even think of having him for life; it's too much to ask for. I'm not setting my hopes up high. Still, I'd love for one more meeting to happen, suddenly and out of the blue.
I like remembering him as my first love, not my first crush. Because crushes fizzle out; love stays on. His appearance in my life made a huge difference. Before him, I lived in an entirely different world. But since he entered my life, it took a whole new turn, never to be the same again. If we're meant to be, we'll meet again in future, no matter what. But until then, I can hope to someday look up and see him peering at me over his heavy textbooks...
P.S. Minna-san, this post is in fond memory of someone I was, am and will always be deeply in love with. Thank you.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Konban wa, Minna!!
Yeah. You can say that again. It's been a whole damn week and I've been away. That's partly due to my laziness and partly because I've been tired. Yes, tired. Even if it is my vacation, I still have lots to do.
So, I'm here to present my new find of the week. Ok, he's not brand new or anything, but to me and to many more people he is. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting Mamoru Miyano....
He's the seiyuu (voice actor) for Light Yagami (Death Note), Zero, etc. What a lot of people didn't know was that he's also a JPop singer. His most recent single released in December 2008. It's called Kimi E.
Kimi E is a beautiful song which is a must-hear for everyone who's in love with Light's voice. But my personal favorite is Be. It's a lovely song with fabulous music. The first reaction I had with the song was fall in love with Miyano-san. He's too good. Except his dancing (which is a little girlish), I'm wholly and truly in love with him. It's a shame he's already married (as if I could've gotten him anyway!! lol). Hope I can ever find someone like Mamoru-san...how about Kenichi-san?? LOL!!
The next two songs of the week (my week, not Oricon charts) are Arashi's Fight Song and Lucky Man. I didn't enjoy the former that much (no offense to fans of the Fight Song) but the latter, well, yeah, that's pretty cool!! Fast beats, disco-like song. All in all, I loved it. All the Arashi guys are perfectly lovable!! Especially, Jun.............................
The only other thing I did this week was finish my college admission business. God, it's a pain, I tell you. But you gotta live with it!!
Oh yeah, I'm busy writing on Fanfiction.net. There it's basically Shinkumi. For anyone interested, I write under the name Mr. Evil Eyes. So you can go look me up on the author search and check out some of my fan fiction.
Ok, enough advertising. I'm now done with seven episodes of downloading Gokusen season 1 (remember, I once told you about it??). And now I'm off to Grandma's for a whole week. So see you in a week (and a few more days!!). So, until then, ja ne...^^
Monday, April 27, 2009
Konban wa, Minna...
So, today's my kawaii ototo-chan's birthday. But that's not what I'm so excited about, folks. Today also happened to be a big day in my life. A day that decided quite a lot. A day that could've changed people's views about me. Lol. OK, let's cut the nonsense and proceed to what I have to say directly.
Today, I was blessed to receive my 11th grade results. Oh yeah, when I say blessed, I mean blessed. That's 'coz I honestly doubted getting my result sheet today. You know why? Sa, kangaemashita...
I stood in a queue for half in hour, in sweats from head to toe, in the burning heat, only to be told that my result wasn't where it should've been. As a result, all my friends got their results and I was left to wonder whether I'd really done that awfully...
In an answer to the confused look on my face, the teacher who sat with the report sheets, told me to run downstairs and meet a certain someone in the office who apparently might have my results. Only she didn't say 'might'.
I ran down to the office, stood in another queue for an hour, almost dying in the heat and suffocation and terrible odours (you see, the girl who stood in front of me had long hair that she'd left loose over her shoulders but smelt like it hadn't been washed in days. So, I think you get the picture). After I pushed my way through all the people who weren't sure if they had passed or flunked, I finally reached the counter only to be told that I had done no wrongdoing whatsoever throughout the year but they still couldn't find my result. Maybe I should check with my teachers.
Wearing my anger upon my head like a crown (wow, good one!!), I marched through the college corridors to the staff room and walked straight in. I ran into my EVS teacher and pummeled her with my agony. At first she couldn't understand what I said, calling me too fast. I slowly (and irritably) repeated everything I said. She understood (finally!!) and led me to a tiny room within the staff room that I'd never noticed before. In the room sat two people I didn't know. I entered and complained hysterically about how I was one of the only people who hadn't received my report sheet yet. They calmed me down and asked me my name. I muttered my name and went over to the other side to take a look at the list they were referring to. I saw my name their at the same time that they did and to my surprise, also saw 'MERIT' printed in tiny black letters right next to my name and marks. They informed me that since I was a merit student, I had to go to meet the Vice Principal (Kyoto-sensei!), who would then hand me my result. Off I went again, trotting down the stairs, occasionally bumping into a few teachers who kept congratulating me on being a merit student (obviously, they knew beforehand but no one bothered telling me!).
On reaching Kyoto-sensei's office, I saw that she was missing. A peon informed me that she would be back soon. I waited, met my friends, waited, bought myself a bottle of mineral water and waited. At last, I saw her walk in like it was no big deal. As soon as she seated herself, I bombarded her with my issue. And you know what she said? 'I haven't received any results...but congratulations on your results. I think you should go check with the office guy.' Isn't that great? Just great. I tried hard to convince her that I had already checked there but to no use. She kept ranting on how she would talk to that guy (yeah, right!). Taking her leave, I walked off and went back to the office.
This time I didn't bother with a queue. I stomped straight into his office, turned his chair around....okay, I didn't do that. I just kept murmuring, 'Sir, Sir.' Yeah, like he would be able to hear me over the chaos. Just when I was thinking of pushing his chair hard, the EVS teacher (yup, the same one) walked in and was surprised to see me still waiting. She came over, spoke to the man who searched his office and at last found my result sheet with my certificate kept neatly under a file. Now that's called inefficiency. I mean, you waste two hours of someone's life like this. I had to take my college admission forms for the next year but now that got postponed to tomorrow. Grrr.....
Anyway, I'm still pretty relieved I got my result. Oh yeah, I finished 11th grade with the second rank in the entire college. Kakkoi, eh? So, I can chill now. And since this entry's longer than ever, I gotta scram now. I'll be back with more stuff later. Ja!! ^^