Monday, May 18, 2009

My first love...

Konban wa, Minna!!

As I sit by my window this evening watching yet another day come to an end, I can feel a knot tightening in my stomach and I'm overcome by a shroud of sadness...

I wonder how different my life would be if he hadn't left the way he did. Not very different, I'm sure. Yet, there would be some difference, no matter how minute it was. Just enough to change my life in the right ways...

I had decided never to let him know about my feelings for him for a various number of reasons. Firstly, I was afraid he didn't feel the same way about me and probably never would. I didn't want to stop seeing him altogether...No,I loved him far too much for that. Secondly, even if he did love me, we both knew it would never work. He was four years my senior and also, my friend's older brother. That was more than enough to not let it work. He thought of me as a child, maybe even like a sister, I was certain. I would be nothing more to him than his little sister's friend...

He was smart and handsome. Not only that, he was kind, loving, caring and sweet too. All in all, he was the epitome of perfection, at least to me. Each time I was at his apartment, he'd have a big, fat Physics book on his lap while he was on the rocking chair and study as he rocked back and forth. I would never be able to meet his gaze on my face as I came in through the door. This often resulted in me walking in with my eyes fixed to the floor! When I'd wait for his sister to get dressed for our daily evening walk, once or twice, I'd look up just to have one single glance of him. A few times, I was in for a surprise when I found him watching me intently and tenderly. Of course, he'd quickly look back into his book and I'd smile to myself...

My first reaction at him leaving was astonishment. I hadn't seen that coming at all. I knew he was an ambitious guy but I hadn't expected him to leave home and go far away. I guess I was just being ignorant and silly. I will leave home for my career too someday and maybe go away farther than he is from me right now. I don't even clearly remember when I last saw him properly. Yes, it was at those grounds where I'd watched him play for years. And just like always, he had a football at his feet that he kicked while I strolled on the jogging tracks, the cool evening breeze licking my face. When I last looked at him, the most difficult thing was to drag myself home. Both of us had a look that clearly said 'Goodbye...it was nice knowing you'; irrespective of what we felt about each other. All this in spite of us not being sure that really was the last time we were meeting. There were still a few days left to his departure. But we never met after that evening. It was as if we both inwardly knew that was it. Call it intuition or whatever...

I still relive all the memories I have of him, for they are the only thing I'll ever have of his. If there is more to come or not, I'm not sure. That can be told by time alone. In spite of not seeing him or hearing from him for the last four years, his memory still holds the place it did in my heart all those years ago. His voice still rings in my head, his face still looms before my eyes the second I close them, my heart still skips a beat at his thought and I'm engulfed by his memories. I cannot even think of having him for life; it's too much to ask for. I'm not setting my hopes up high. Still, I'd love for one more meeting to happen, suddenly and out of the blue.

I like remembering him as my first love, not my first crush. Because crushes fizzle out; love stays on. His appearance in my life made a huge difference. Before him, I lived in an entirely different world. But since he entered my life, it took a whole new turn, never to be the same again. If we're meant to be, we'll meet again in future, no matter what. But until then, I can hope to someday look up and see him peering at me over his heavy textbooks...



P.S. Minna-san, this post is in fond memory of someone I was, am and will always be deeply in love with. Thank you.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Some New Finds...

Konban wa, Minna!!

Yeah. You can say that again. It's been a whole damn week and I've been away. That's partly due to my laziness and partly because I've been tired. Yes, tired. Even if it is my vacation, I still have lots to do.

So, I'm here to present my new find of the week. Ok, he's not brand new or anything, but to me and to many more people he is. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting Mamoru Miyano....
*applause*
He's the seiyuu (voice actor) for Light Yagami (Death Note), Zero, etc. What a lot of people didn't know was that he's also a JPop singer. His most recent single released in December 2008. It's called Kimi E.

Kimi E is a beautiful song which is a must-hear for everyone who's in love with Light's voice. But my personal favorite is Be. It's a lovely song with fabulous music. The first reaction I had with the song was fall in love with Miyano-san. He's too good. Except his dancing (which is a little girlish), I'm wholly and truly in love with him. It's a shame he's already married (as if I could've gotten him anyway!! lol). Hope I can ever find someone like Mamoru-san...how about Kenichi-san?? LOL!!

The next two songs of the week (my week, not Oricon charts) are Arashi's Fight Song and Lucky Man. I didn't enjoy the former that much (no offense to fans of the Fight Song) but the latter, well, yeah, that's pretty cool!! Fast beats, disco-like song. All in all, I loved it. All the Arashi guys are perfectly lovable!! Especially, Jun.............................

The only other thing I did this week was finish my college admission business. God, it's a pain, I tell you. But you gotta live with it!!

Oh yeah, I'm busy writing on Fanfiction.net. There it's basically Shinkumi. For anyone interested, I write under the name Mr. Evil Eyes. So you can go look me up on the author search and check out some of my fan fiction.

Ok, enough advertising. I'm now done with seven episodes of downloading Gokusen season 1 (remember, I once told you about it??). And now I'm off to Grandma's for a whole week. So see you in a week (and a few more days!!). So, until then, ja ne...^^

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